RESURRECTION ...AN ODE TO DA NIGHT!

I was torn,bruised and fatigued....!
Standing on my shivering legs,dull,lost and aghast, I traced for my footholds..
I failed..!

I chuckled,peeped into the crowd!
I wished, I could snatch my self from them.
The crowd appeared strange.
As strange as my dreams.
I laughed at my anonymity with my senses.
And walked away!

Then the night slithered down from heaven,and settled around my nothingness
I smiled. Feeling indebted.
Indebted to her comraderie.
A companion indeed she was,so silent yet silencing my unheard cries...!

The night...! SHE smells my 'hollow' pores,
And sprinkles 'dark melodies' over them..
Pores..that constitute my psyche....!
The night...! Her 'darkness'- just like a dark cupid blanket
A blanket which i feel she has woven just for me,out of some
soothing,surreal sympathy...!

But then soon the shades- the dark ones-melt into  chirpy brightness!
My love, my mate- the 'night' subsides into pale memoirs of romance,
the love which we made melts into nothingness!

The sun blazes in the sky...and i go on sulking over the day..over the
day being a 'day'.

I feel dazed! Lost! Unsure!
How could I take on the 'day'.. think i..,
for i hate the bright shades floating around its aura..!
People...! They cling along the day.
And there stand i peeping into them..,trying hard to cry...!

That day i thought,was no different a day..the same sulking day..!
Plucking the rosy petals of smoldering silence,which the night had gifted me..
I was waiting for the night to descend..
to descend and snatch my virginity...
yes! though every night i felt like losing my virginity and snatching
hers too...
But every morning the i found her the night..so purile,so fresh,
melting into the day..!
Oh! i felt like dying of shame...!

So,after letting the night plunder my heart,raping my conscious part,
i found the day descending down..!
Tired, i fainted as i counted the hours that constitute a day....!
And then i don't know when,but then,at some point of time,surprisingly
during the day,
I found YOU........!
YOU were someone stuck into the crowd....!
That very crowd which mocked me....!
I didn't care..! waiting YOU to pass like all those skeletons...!
But YOU didn't!

I felt like torturing my eye-lids when i kept them open for YOU, for
YOU to fit into my canvass..!
Although the emptiness inside me kept ignoring your presence, a part
of me kept mum...!
A part unknown to me, a part of me revolting against me...!
I tried to yell,wishing the part so silent to yell along with me and
shoo YOU away!

But something inside me,had silenced my yearn- yearn to yell and break free...!
And even I was glued to the deafening roars of silence...!

YOU were bright!  As bright as the 'DAY'.
YOU were blazing! Just like the shining sun!
I tried to run! And failed yet again!

YOU came! Near! Nearer!
And I stood transfixed,charmed,hypnotized....!
YOU plundered! Plundered the shallow,hollow part inside me..!
I begged,resisted...!
And need i tell YOU ,that I failed!!! Yet again...!

The pores inside me,begged YOU, begged not to loot their existence!
But YOU were rude!
YOU smeared not sprinkled, something which felt sensual..!
Felt alien yet refreshingly fresh....!
 AND There stood i feeling i have ditched my mate- the eternal night....!
But YOU went on raping my conscience,raping me,..my alien parts..!

Then YOU left and lost into the crowd!
Left me ashamed with tear-drops racing all across my dazed face...!
I knew, i was the cheater...!

And then,for the first time in my life, i felt like wishing for the
DAY to stay on....on and on....!
For i knew,i couldn't take on the night!

But the night did come, it had to!
Donning the frozen,cold familiar smile,it felt as poignant as
ever...It began flirting with my senses as ever....!
But tonight, i couldn't feel the gushes of emotions!
Somehow I couldn't let her take over my'self'.

She went on to 'sprinkle' her love over the pores, and yelled,and
fainted to find them smeared already with your sweet
sensuality...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The NIGHT----! And I!!
'I'--- ! And the NIGHT!!
I knew, I had stabbed her back, back in the day...!
I knew, I was guilty!!
I knew somewhere down myself, I had developed a liking for the 'DAY'!!
I knew,,,, Resurrection had begun.....!!!!

And the NIGHT????!!
Well! She was at her purile best!
Smiling as ever, she surmised into the day....!

And ME????!!
Well! I Woke up today,and surprisingly didn't close my eyes!!
The SUN was ablaze!
AND I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHUGAD!

She was sweeping the floor,her eyes thrust into the white marble flooring. And it was then i saw her for the first time, or let me put it more frankly,i rather gauged the immaculate figure of her young body. She was some 2 years older than me.I was barely 18 then, eager to jump into the the phenomenon called Love,a feeling which i hadn't felt yet,but wished to have an encounter with it. I would often watch my friends talking about some girl whom they loved, and watching them, i could not figure out the actual mechanism of enjoying the company of a girl,and especially the one  who could love you.  It was not that i had never got this pleasure of the company of girls, but in the past few days i had realized that something was missing,something which added spice to the relationship,a relationship which i found was different from what i had been into,.the usual 'we are friends' or 'you are my sweetest bro' kind of relations. I was disparately in search of that spicy affair, and wished someday i,too will have the heavenly pleasure of slipping down the woods holding the hands of a beautiful girl just as my friends did!
But for some strange reasons i couldn't succeed in my endeavors. Either the girl whom i began liking would laugh off my proposal,or the girl who would be interested in me, would have been tried and tested by many before me  and then dumped for losers like me. My frustration rose to such an alarming levels that i began questioning my looks,and became over conscious about grooming myself. But the more i tried to evolve as a smart lad,the more i found girls getting repulsive towards me. Soon i found myself drenched deep in agonies.The days seemed like making a mockery of myself as i would watch couples sharing a hesitant smiles and walking along the college gardens,and the nights felt like a never ending spell of ordeals as i sulked at my destiny all along till the dawn would descend teasing me.
It was then that i saw her. She was the new maid in our house. Bruised and tormented as i was,i developed an instant liking for her. I don't know how well i am in academics but as far as the art of developing an instant liking for a girl is concerned i feel,and i am pretty sure that i am well versed at this art. I am not sure about what else i have learnt from me being single but let a hundred girls come across my eyes a day and i can develop liking for them simultaneously,and that too with palpable intensity and due sincerity.
As i told you all that i was tired running behind beautiful girls, i went on accepting this bitter truth that i am not the right guy for really beautiful girls. My story, i now realize, was just like that old fox who couldn't get grapes and had went on to utter the now so famous adage that-GRAPES ARE SOUR.
As i  saw the maid,instantly i figured out that here lies an potential opportunity to end up my dry romantic spell.She was not as beautiful as the lady of my dreams,but by then my experiences had made me learn that the lady of my dreams is only made for my dreams,there was no way i am going to get her in reality.
My maid was not at all what,a few years back i had imagined as my girlfriend but then by then i was the staunch supporter of this philosophy that LOVE IS BLIND,that true love blossoms not only by looking at the face only but you can also love a girl going by her vital stats,her figure.
And trust me she was not at all a bad option. And then by then i had made up my mind that if i can not find true love i can make true love. And for this I felt,she was a perfect candidate.
I started running behind her and waited for the day when she would catch my eyes gazing at her ,almost hungrily. I had all the plans to engineer my love story in my mind. I often tried to appear as an sympathizer,as an philanthropist who dared to think beyond the ugly materialistic boundaries and tried to show her that i respect her individuality.
And finally after 10 days of constantly supervising  her tedious spells of dish washing and monotonous floor wiping sessions,one fine afternoon when everyone was dozing off in my house,she came to me and smiled and then went away.
I still vividly remember that moment as my eyes flooded with sweet tears of joy as i felt as if i had achieved something big in my life. Her one smile left me bubbling with thousands of romantic ideas. The moment she had left me,smiling, i had become committed to her for the life...! I began imagining her in my lap,sitting on the secluded bank of river GANGA which flew near by, with no one disturbing us.She and me..ME and she...!
It was at that moment that i found my blood boiling with anger against this cruel society who i felt would always question our relationship.
But i was adamant that no matter what happens i will revolt against all those who would oppose our relation,everyone no matter who they are...,after all i had found my love for the first time in my life, a girl whom i had begun liking not just because she looked reasonably well within my reach,but because over the past few days i had really began to love her.
 she smiled at me from a distance, i felt like loving those distances she kept. I took her being silent as a grotesque shade of love which i felt,i needed to respect. Many days passed on without a word being exchanged between us,as i kept on cajoling my mind  thinking her smile as the hallmark of her love. I thought she was shy,and thrilled at the prospect of loving a guy who was much above her social level! I shrugged off my doubts thinking she was taking her time to digest the unbelievable reality that loomed large in front of her eyes. Meanwhile i began  saving my pocket money to present her a SALWAR KAMEEZ,although  secretly, i still wished her to wear the old torn Salwar that she would wear everyday. Days melted into months as i kept on bringing gifts for her often compromising with my necessities.But she never moved ahead. The only thing that changed about her was the intensity in her smile,from being occasional hesitant smiles it had went on to become louder and sharper pegs of laughter. And still i was expecting.
But i had my own limits of  tolerating her silence,and one day as i went to her to gift her another pair of KOLHAPURI sandals,i grabbed her by her shoulders and almost with brute force shook her body.
'Can't you see i love you'? I almost had an emotional breakdown in front of her,and i don't know what happened to me i began kissing her neck! The next thing i remember is the sound of' PHAT' as i realised she had slapped me hard on my face.
She gave me a hard push and given the fact i was unconscious due to the sudden slap,i fell on the ground.
And then for the first and last time in my life i heard her voice. She was saying' I had always treated you as my small brother,but never ever in my wildest dream i could imagine how filthy your thoughts can be! If i would have got the slightest hint about what is running into your mind i would have left working in this house long before. And for your kind information,she said with a tinge of chuckle on her angry face,'i already have a lover who loves me more than anyone on this earth,and i am committed'. As i saw her bursting out of my house with the gift pack still in hand,i couldn't decide whether to control the tears sweltering in my eyes to skid down the cheeks or to control the urge of laughing my heart out over my destiny! Torn between the double folded diemma,i preferred to let myself remain sprayed on the ground and think WHAT A CHUGAD[FOOL] i am!

ME AND U.: all alone with the night and my mother's memories....

ME AND U.: all alone with the night and my mother's memories....: "Every night when i stare at the dark ambience around me,i am reminded of my mother. A few years back when i was a child i feared the night a..."

all alone with the night and my mother's memories........

Every night when i stare at the dark ambience around me,i am reminded of my mother. A few years back when i was a child i feared the night as it felt like drenched with mystic illusions,i hated the swaying pine trees which looked like demons in the night and when the wind came howling,i couldn't take on the night. It was then i would slither into the cosy hug of my mother,she would hold me tight.,and would soak out all the fear which was inside my heart. At that moment i adored my mother as someone who could take on the cruel cupid blanket of darkness,who could make me feel secure..! I would hug her tight and plant a kiss on her neck. Oh! How beautiful she looked then,her long jet black hair on her shoulders felt like soft cushions on which i would put my head. She would smile and caress my hair and then i would marvel at her strong arms. I felt proud that a lady who is so strong,beautiful,and compassionate is my mother. It was then that i began respecting her individuality. The night brought with itself a platform on which i could develop a relationship with my mother- a relationship whose roots didn't lie in the fact that she was my mother,or i was her son,but instead i would enjoy myself analysing her as a person. I often tried to imagine as a girl,her feelings..feelings about everything,As she would try to make me sleep i would often ask myself whether she would have loved anyone. Every night she would keep on cuddling me untill she was sure that i had fell asleep. And then she would put my head away from her breast and put them on the pillow and kiss me on my forehead. I still pine for the moist feelings of her lips on my forehead..it felt so surreal! And then making me sleep,she would wait for my father..! I would often watch her waiting impatiently peeping out of the window to know whether my dad had came or not. Her eyes would soon swelter with water as she kept on battling with sleep. But she wouldn't sleep. My dad would drop at home around 12o clock. Drunken! My mother was habituated to his drunkenness,as i would see her controlling my dad and helping him on his way to the dining table. All the while my dad would keep on abusing my mother,she never uttered back a word apart from 'please speak slowly munna is sleeping'! I felt heartbroken when i would watch my dad humiliating my mother. But my mother was a lady of impeccable credentials,the way in which she projected herself in front of me,an image of a chirpy mother,the way in which she showered affection everynight on me made me come closer to her,of course as a  son,but soon as a friend.My love for her was no tjust because she was my motherbut also because she was a lady with a character of steel. As the days passed i came to know that my dad had never loved my mom,and was having an affair with some other lady. I grew rebellious and snapped all the ties with my dad. But the nights always haunted me and so did my mother love me.
Now many years after the night doesn't haunt me..but the sweet memories of my unsettled past still linger in my mind.  Every night,now,brings with itself the memories of a lady who was fortunately my mother! Now that she has died i pine for her warm cuddlings,i wish i could fear the night and she would be with me right here...! i cry not because she is no more AND SHE IS MY MOTHER. My heart feels sorry for her because i had dared to know her as person. She had wriggled with the ultimate curse on womanhood,her husband was an infidel,and yet she managed to trudge along only because she wishe to groom my career. She sacrificed her feelings,stiched her lips for her son....! And then now that i am something she has quitely passed into nothingness..and has left a void in my life! Every night i stand on the terrace and look into the sky,taking on the same darkness which would send shiver down my spine.., but i can't find her.I feel helpless,indebted.The debt of a persona which was sacrificed on the altar of my life..! Mother she was but i don't know why she was the only girl in my life in whom i saw nerves of steel..! She was my mother for granted..and i wish in every  life i would find her in one form or the other. But right now, in this life,all i have is a sulking night,a can of whisky,my self and her memories..!