all alone with the night and my mother's memories........

Every night when i stare at the dark ambience around me,i am reminded of my mother. A few years back when i was a child i feared the night as it felt like drenched with mystic illusions,i hated the swaying pine trees which looked like demons in the night and when the wind came howling,i couldn't take on the night. It was then i would slither into the cosy hug of my mother,she would hold me tight.,and would soak out all the fear which was inside my heart. At that moment i adored my mother as someone who could take on the cruel cupid blanket of darkness,who could make me feel secure..! I would hug her tight and plant a kiss on her neck. Oh! How beautiful she looked then,her long jet black hair on her shoulders felt like soft cushions on which i would put my head. She would smile and caress my hair and then i would marvel at her strong arms. I felt proud that a lady who is so strong,beautiful,and compassionate is my mother. It was then that i began respecting her individuality. The night brought with itself a platform on which i could develop a relationship with my mother- a relationship whose roots didn't lie in the fact that she was my mother,or i was her son,but instead i would enjoy myself analysing her as a person. I often tried to imagine as a girl,her feelings..feelings about everything,As she would try to make me sleep i would often ask myself whether she would have loved anyone. Every night she would keep on cuddling me untill she was sure that i had fell asleep. And then she would put my head away from her breast and put them on the pillow and kiss me on my forehead. I still pine for the moist feelings of her lips on my forehead..it felt so surreal! And then making me sleep,she would wait for my father..! I would often watch her waiting impatiently peeping out of the window to know whether my dad had came or not. Her eyes would soon swelter with water as she kept on battling with sleep. But she wouldn't sleep. My dad would drop at home around 12o clock. Drunken! My mother was habituated to his drunkenness,as i would see her controlling my dad and helping him on his way to the dining table. All the while my dad would keep on abusing my mother,she never uttered back a word apart from 'please speak slowly munna is sleeping'! I felt heartbroken when i would watch my dad humiliating my mother. But my mother was a lady of impeccable credentials,the way in which she projected herself in front of me,an image of a chirpy mother,the way in which she showered affection everynight on me made me come closer to her,of course as a  son,but soon as a friend.My love for her was no tjust because she was my motherbut also because she was a lady with a character of steel. As the days passed i came to know that my dad had never loved my mom,and was having an affair with some other lady. I grew rebellious and snapped all the ties with my dad. But the nights always haunted me and so did my mother love me.
Now many years after the night doesn't haunt me..but the sweet memories of my unsettled past still linger in my mind.  Every night,now,brings with itself the memories of a lady who was fortunately my mother! Now that she has died i pine for her warm cuddlings,i wish i could fear the night and she would be with me right here...! i cry not because she is no more AND SHE IS MY MOTHER. My heart feels sorry for her because i had dared to know her as person. She had wriggled with the ultimate curse on womanhood,her husband was an infidel,and yet she managed to trudge along only because she wishe to groom my career. She sacrificed her feelings,stiched her lips for her son....! And then now that i am something she has quitely passed into nothingness..and has left a void in my life! Every night i stand on the terrace and look into the sky,taking on the same darkness which would send shiver down my spine.., but i can't find her.I feel helpless,indebted.The debt of a persona which was sacrificed on the altar of my life..! Mother she was but i don't know why she was the only girl in my life in whom i saw nerves of steel..! She was my mother for granted..and i wish in every  life i would find her in one form or the other. But right now, in this life,all i have is a sulking night,a can of whisky,my self and her memories..!